The Globe's got a mogultastic video of Conrad Black, sharply dressed as always, engaging in the most unlordly of activities: Secreting out boxes of documents through the back door of 10 Toronto Street.

Best, Little Lord Hollinger even points at one of the video cameras as he's going. "Listen, you folks in the security booth, keep that tape away from E&Y, and you'll get a crisp hundred-pound note for your efforts, hear?"

Homeboy's got a lot to learn about stealing office supplies. Follow our lead, Conrad: Don't box anything, dude. Just stick it in your jacket, your attache bag, under your bowler hat.

(Oh, at this point we should point out that we would never steal any office supplies. Until our employer starts stocking better pens, all we'll ever bring home is work to do. Hey, Stationary: Would it kill you to swap in a couple nice Montblancs instead of those 10-cent Bics?)

Tip number one: When you come home from work with a man purse side satchel full of papers, you should probably not throw your Blackberry, unsheathed, into a pouch jammed up against the business end of a metal fork.

Listen, we never bother to think about the 'Berry's safety. It's always seemed so damned rugged. We dropped it once down a full flight of steep concrete stairs (after it bounced off a wall, no less) and it emerged unscathed. It even fell out of our suit jacket while biking to work and fell onto the pavement. Once again, no probs. So it's a little bit of a letdown that after duelling against concrete, that its ultimate demise is at the tongs of a fork. We sort of had hoped to see it go out stopping a bullet for us.

But it's not as bad as all that; the phone isn't even in bad shape. There's just a slight shadowy dark spot on the bottom right hand of the screen. Totally usable, but we're nonetheless accelerating our eBay search for a cheap Blackberry 7250.

Although, since we're in the smartphone market, we asked the question any wise consumer would: "Dude, what smartphone would Jack Bauer use?"

The answer, surprisingly enough, is the Siemens SX66. Which runs (wait for it)... Windows Mobile. That's right. We watch Jack Bauer use a Windows product for 24 straight hours, and it never once crashes? The hell?

No wonder Marwan kept escaping; CTU was using Microsoft products to track him. That paperclip guy in Word was all like, "It looks like you're trying to capture an international terrorist!", and then Microsoft National Security 2003 slowed down and every time they hit the "Apprehend Suspect" button, it was like, BEEEEEEPP, and a Blue Screen of Death popped up.

"You and your dictionary can go govern Contextlessania."
-- J. Kelly Nestruck, on Conservatives' claim that 'whore' wasn't a gendered insult.

"Nick Lachey came one step closer to selling oranges on the side of the freeway today..."
-- The Superficial, on the announcement of a Simpson-Lachey divorce

"If [Wolf Eyes came out] of Toronto, they'd be playing up their "we're weird and you don't understand our esoteric musings" angle so hard that you'd puke."
-- Star DT, on the pretentiousness of Torontonians

"Your blog is like a sausage patty: no links."
-- TMFTML, pioneering the yo' blog insult.

"Stupid ninja holidays."
-- Geekward Ho, on not realizing that Monday was Victoria Day and going to work.

Optimus & the Groomster, pre-monkey-suitage

Optimus Kingston and her Many Beads

Matt and the Two Lukes.
When asked why there were four bridesmaids and only two groomsmen, Matt replied: "I didn't know any other Lukes."

Cam, delivering a short speech at the rehearsal dinner.
"Yes, I'm marrying this guy. No, I'm not crazy. Seriously, not crazy."

The bride and her mother embrace, while Matt observes with a stony gaze.
"What is this emotion you call 'love'?"

Time to suit up. Suspenders? Check.

Adjustable pre-tied necktie? Check. (Classy!)

High, pert ass? Check!

Boy, all this dressin' up is thirsty work.

Not the powder-blue model with the white piping and frilly shirt we had hoped for, but not bad...

The most masculine of the groom's nuptial rites: The Applying Of The Makeup

Bridesmaids in place; waiting for the blushing bride.

Matt: "OMFG d00d j00 iZ teh hAWTNE55!!!"

Matt: "OMFG d00D iZ d0ZE hYBR1d tEA r0SEZ?!$"

Matty plus the lovely Optimuscrime Kingston, discussing the hybrid tea roses.
"Gorgeous," gushed Matt.

"Are you lonely down there? Here, let me send a bridesmaid down..."

Cam with beautiful bridesmaid Liz Majic.

Matt & Cam under the chuppa, sizing each other up for a smooch.

Smooch successful! Step 2: Aisle-walking!

Note the poor cake-cutting form. Limp wrist, knife too far from cake, watching bride instead of cake... so many rookie mistakes. Get it right for the anniversary, kids.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered to watch two young lovebirds stuff each other's faces with cake. Delicious, delicious cake.

Matt, maintaining a dignified composure during the hora.

First dance: Otis Redding, 'That's How Strong My Love Is'. Ten bonus rock snob points.

Related:
Matt & Cam's Wedding [Luxy.ca]